please don"t laugh... this is a serious matter.

In an attempt to halt sluffing during intervention Mr. Myrup and Dr. Shelton used their time during collaboration on Monday mornings to create a new species of possum. This possum, though seemingly cuddly and cute is not to be messed with. It was intended to be used as police for the doorways during intervention, and is therefore extremely fierce and intelligent. The idea was that should a student start leaving the school, a pack of possums would appear from various hiding places around the school ( trash receptacles, the ceiling, teachers offices, the backpacks of student government members etc.) and terrify the students into staying inside by intimidation, a harmless way to keep students learning! Unfortunately Myrup and Shelton did not foresee that the possums, who they only intended as a scare tactic, would develop an insatiable thirst for teenage flesh.

Recently there have been a number of possum attacks on innocent intervention attending students. Junior Kristen Blair barely survived a vicious ambush while she was walking to her third period. She tried to fight them off with her num chucks but to no avail. Luckily, mid assault she was able to distract them by throwing a piece of beef jerky at a fellow classmate, making him the target. She survived with only a few hundred stitches and a concussion. We cannot say as much for the other student. (May he rest in peace.) Senior, Ben Jacob was in the ICU for a month after he was attacked, he said " I was just practicing my didgeridoo in the orchestra room when suddenly I was surrounded by at least three hundred blood thirsty creatures some would like call possums, I prefer to call them the spawn of satan( which they are). I tried to fight them off but they were too strong and fast for my feeble human dexterity to combat."

But never fear dear students, the administration has come to the rescue and provided you with possum protection policy pamphlets otherwise known as the PPPP printed below.

How to protect yourself from possum attacks

· Mullets, Mowhawks, and Afros tend to repel them. Wearing one of these may save your life.

· Possums loathe pickled asparagus; therefore it will now be served in the lunchroom 24 hours a day. All other food items are henceforth banned from the premises of Timpview High.

· If you are under attack, serenading the possums with Celine Dions beautiful lyrics may cause the possum’s stony hearts to soften.

· Do not attempt to spray possums with pepper spray or use tazers on them, this will only send them into a psychotic rage.

· Do not play dead, they invented this trick and will not be fooled.

· Remember, you don't have to outrun the possums, you only have to outrun the person standing next to you.